When You Feel Guilty or Inconvenient for Wanting More

I feel like so often I touch on this feeling of guilt. A feeling of being inconvenient, too much, or not enough for who "I'm supposed to be."

I look around me, and sometimes I can't help but notice the ways everything "would be better" if it wasn't for my decisions, needs, desires, or actions. Like when Asha in the movie Wish realized “because of her,” her family would never have their wishes fulfilled. Or when Mirabel in Encanto saw her entire family home and all their magical gifts fall away “because of her actions, her needs.” (Note: There are some light movie spoilers in this post).

And yet, how often do we question what really caused these shifts?

Wasn't it actually because Magnifico decided their wishes were too dangerous and was actually just a really toxic and controlling guy? 👀

Wasn't it Mirabel's grandma who had too high demands and the family who was too dependent on their outer gifts, rather than their inner ones?

Sometimes, things get worse before they get better - things fall apart, people lose touch, relationships end - before there's any hope of rebuilding things to something better, to something more powerful than it ever was before, to something more true.

And that's just the thing. Why do we feel guilty for breaking something that wasn't whole to begin with?

Why do we feel guilty for ending relationships that were always one-sided?

Why do we feel guilty for wanting more, not only for ourselves, but for those around us and for everyone in the world?

Because of what we're told. Because of what others perceive to be dangerous, uncomfortable, or selfish.

And yet, who - may I ask - made them in charge of what's right and what's wrong? Who said they have divine knowing greater than yours? Who said making decisions based on fear was somehow better than based on love, trust, truth?

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I get that it's hard to feel like the cause of breaking something apart. I get it more than most.

I walked out of a family dynamic that had been toxic for as long as I could remember. I chose what I didn't yet have, but could see visions of in my heart, over what had always been.

And I've been outcasted, blamed, yelled at, name-called. Been told no one could ever love someone like me.

And yeah, that hurt. All of it. More deeply than I can explain.

But somehow it never hurt quite as much as the never-ending self-abandonment.

Of working so hard for something that didn't bring me the fulfillment it promised. Of being on constant autopilot-mode when I knew I was meant for more.

In a way, those things were more painful. Maybe not immediately, but over time.

Because at least when you get your heart broken by what you had only hoped, thought, or guessed you had - but never really did - you can move through it.

You can rebuild. You can reclaim. You can heal. You can grow. You can move on.

And you can become that much stronger, that much fiercer, that much greater - with what you actually have, as opposed to what you never really did.

So I must ask you…

The safety, the comfort, the belonging - are they truly there for you when you need them most?

Are they uplifting when you fall down?

Are they loving when you make mistakes?

Are they encouraging towards your dreams or pressuring towards their expectations?

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Yes, I understand guilt.

I understand what it's like to feel so much guilt, so much remorse for walking away, breaking, or disturbing something that once made you feel comfortable, at home.

And I want you to know: It's because deep down you love it deeply.

You love the people, places, or moments that you once held dear - and yet you have (perhaps) now realized that you love something else more:

You love your vision, purpose, being, truth, wholeness, essence, and, all that you can show up for if you reclaim it all; meaning your friends, clients, family, community, mission...

People who do things predominantly out of fear tend to blame others for doing things out of spite, selfishness, or cruelty.

And because you love so deeply, they manage to trick you into believing what they say or blame you for. But, they couldn't be more wrong.

Tell me honestly, is it more loving to remain with an abusive partner - telling yourself, your partner, friends, children, siblings that this is an okay, loving, and respectable way to treat someone you claim to love and care for?

Or is it in fact much more loving, much more fierce to leave them and show them and the ones you love that they too are worthy of love, respect, and compassion?

And the so-called "comfort" you're in, clinging onto because it seems so important... is it the same one that keeps you stuck in self-sabotage, physical pains and injuries, anxiety, burnout, loneliness, fear, and unhappiness..?

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Yes, my friend. I understand guilt.

Guilt for wanting more, wanting better, to make a difference, to matter, to heal, to grow, to expand, to learn, to love, to shine, to share, to leave, to rise above what you once knew.

But with so much capacity to feel guilt, comes so much capacity to feel love, compassion, warmth.

Capacity to help, see, support, transform... Because let's face it, the guilt shows you care. That's also why you hold onto it.

To prove to yourself, and perhaps others, that you care - even if they claim you don't. But guilt also makes you carry a lot of unnecessary baggage. And that holds you back from truly making a change.

Which then ultimately keeps you in a cycle of more guilt, because you're not seeing the changes you set out to make in the first place - 'confirming' why you "should" be feeling guilty in the first place.

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So what can be greater than guilt?

What can honor and cherish the deep love you feel and hold for others, as well as for yourself, without diminishing it with lies that cause guilt to linger and slow you down?

To me, that is simple. It is love itself.

Instead of saying "I'm sorry I walked away from you because you were hurting me, shaming me, or invalidating me" say;

"I love you and my inner essence too much to stay in a relationship that doesn't see me, honor me, and cherish me the way I believe everyone, including you and I, deserve. If I stay, I send you a message that it's okay for you to receive this too and I'm not willing to stand for that."

Instead of saying "I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable by telling you what was really on my heart" say;

"I love you so deeply that I wanted you to know the real me. And I wanted to show up in the world as the true expression of me, the way I would love to see you show up as the real expression of you too."

Instead of saying "I'm sorry I disappointed you by doing things differently than you wanted" say;

"I'm so grateful you cared enough to have plans for me and I respect the path you took. But I will choose a different path for myself while loving you deeply and holding you in my heart every step of the way."

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Someone who doesn't feel love, wouldn't feel guilt.

What you really feel is love - love for your past caregivers, love for those you grew up around, love for your friends, love for yourself, love for your children, love for your community.

And when that love isn't reciprocated in the way you deserve, the way you long for, the way your soul knows it's worthy of - we exchange that love for guilt.

Guilt, remorse, and regret for all that we lost, all the ways we 'came up short,' all the ways we didn't live up to someone else's idea of what should've been.

But that can be transformed, translated into something truer.

Imagine finding an old writing written in an ancient language and simply translating the words to something you can understand with what you now know.

Whenever the feeling of guilt comes creeping in, try this: Remind yourself, and that feeling that comes stirring up, that you are a being of love. Remind it and thank it for reminding you:

"I only feel this way because I love so deeply and want the best for everyone around me, including myself.

Thank you for reminding me of all the ways I have loved and continue to love today.

I look forward to see all the wonderful opportunities that this unconditional, true love opens up - not only for myself but for everyone around me.

I see a greater future with this love in my heart and I'm so glad I was bold enough to claim it.

By doing so, I am giving others the permission to do the same, and that, is magic."

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From my heart to yours... if this resonates, if this feels like you, let me say this:

Thank you. Thank you for choosing with hope, love, and honesty. Thank you for showing me that I matter by deciding that you matter.

I don't think we get gratitude enough for the tough choices we make, so I'm sending you lots of love and gratitude today.