If You're Battling Between Your Ambition and Your Authenticity

When learning how to be true to yourself, it can often feel like you're battling between your ambition and your authenticity, when in truth what you're battling isn't you. It's everything in society that tells you "faster, harder, step out of alignment to find your alignment..."

I've been feeling a lot of confliction and pressure lately because I feel like I've kind of been standing with my feet on two different sides, where one part of me really wants to express, bring things to life, and bring things out into the world. And another part of me is really wanting to just explore within and let things take their time and just be in my own world.

And I feel like it's been tricky because even though it's very true that there's a part of me that wants to bring things to life and bring things out into the world, it's not really that part of my true self that is in conflict with the part of me that wants more of that inner exploration. What is actually in conflict with me, is the idea that I need to do things faster and push forward.

For so long, my outer circumstances haven't really been built in a way that naturally creates the space for inner exploration and taking things slowly. And yet it's still very much what I've needed. So I did the best I could to create space for that slowness and healing.

Right now, I feel like I'm in this space where the outer circumstances aren't perfect, but I feel like if I'm really honest with myself, they're also no longer in survival mode. They're no longer in actual scarcity. It's like they're the fertile ground and soil before the flowers and plants have taken bloom.

Which means the soil isn't actually depleted. The soil can be super rich, filled with nutrients and ready to have things flourish. It's just that it hasn't happened yet. It's just not time yet.

But that part of me that has been wanting to slow down has been feeling guilty for it and pressured to do it faster.

Which is such a common and prevalent problem in society today because there's so much pressure for you to do things faster and take action even if you don't know that you feel fully aligned with what you would be bringing to life.

And for me, for example, there's this mentorship space and offering that I've been exploring and wanting to bring out for quite some time. And it's been at this place where it's almost ready for quite some time. But I've kept feeling this pressure, especially if there's something that could make you money, that "there's no time to waste." And you just have to bring it out there and not waste time on exploring things fully and feeling into it and letting it come to life in its own natural way.

Instead, we're told that we have to push it out and deal with the consequences of that afterwards.

That's where I also feel like there's this irony in it, because it could seem like these two parts of me are in conflict, but the truth is they're not.

I've been thinking that I'm battling between them and like I have to choose which one to honor, when in truth they are both on the same page.

It's society, the outer stories and other people's scarcity and fear mindsets that are actually in conflict with me.

Because that life queen as I call her, that part of me that wants to bring things to life, isn't the one who's wanting to rush. She's not the one who's pressuring.

Because she knows that even as we are exploring things in depth, even as we are creating the space for things to grow naturally, even as we are taking the time to reflect and journal and really get really rooted into what it is that we want to bring to life, why and how, and even as we are heavily nurturing the soil, she knows we are bringing things to life.

Because the soil is the foundation, and the soil is life itself. You can't grow flourishing plants in soil that is dead. And so this idea that "half of me wants to do one thing, but the other half of me doesn't," is just part of the trap. Because both of those parts of me, all of my true self, is in alignment with what I've been wanting and what I've been feeling pulled to.

It's actually just this capitalistic, hustle culture society, and the outer expectations, pressure, fears, scarcity mindsets that have been in conflict with that.

And part of the trap is that we think it's our own beliefs, our own impatience, our own pressure. We think that we have expectations towards ourselves because that's how good the trap is at making you think that you're the problem. As long as you question yourself and think you're in conflict with yourself, you don't question them, you don't question outward, and you don't take up the conflict with them.

And so you stay stuck battling with yourself, and they get ahead feeding and thriving on your discomfort, on your fear of falling behind, on your love for yourself, your vision and purpose.

Because you care about it so deeply, you reflect on it so intensely. It's the perfect opportunity for them to take advantage of that, for them to make you question yourself more, for them to feed off of all the so-called solutions and experts that you seek out, looking for answers to the wrong questions.

They can keep making money and getting ahead, they can keep feeding their own ego, fear and scarcity mindsets and we keep coming back, because no matter how many solutions we acquire, it never actually solves the problem. Because we're solving the wrong problem.

We're asking the wrong questions, and getting solutions to questions we don't even need to be asking, and not getting solutions to the questions we do need to be asking.