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The Missing Piece in Finding Yourself Again
- Antonie Kjosas
- Jul 21
- 5 min read
In this blog post I'm exploring something that personal development tips often skip:
The role of having a nurturing environment while reclaiming your authentic self and finally feeling like you again.
Because healing emotional wounds from your past self and exiting good girl mode to reconnect with who you really are - isn't something you're meant to do by yourself.
And that doesn't make you weak. It means you're human, powerful, and open for real growth.
The Problem with Doing it All by Yourself
I often say "it starts with the self."
I say this because our inner world is like a mirror and extension to our outer world.
If you judge yourself heavily, odds are you judge others too 🖤
If you know how to love yourself deeply and compassionately, odds are you know how to love others that way too.
And so, the process of healing, of reconnecting with your true self, of establishing deep connection with the people and world around you will, in my opinion, usually begin with the self.
But, in this blog post I'd like to challenge my own opinion (as I am too ever-growing, always evolving) and consider this:
There's one fundamental step that comes before 'the self' and this is what allows the self to grow, heal, and aspire to its potential.
And this step is nurture. Or in other words, a genuinely nurturing environment.
It Begins with a Nurturing Environment
The funny thing is, I've actually seen this in my own life, but it didn't become clear to me until a while ago just how incremental - and initial - this step was.
In the book Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés, she writes about an important aspect of any woman's endeavor of growth, healing, creativity, and 'birthing' new concepts, ideas, pathways, art etc:
She writes, "those kinds of projects need nurture. They need vital support - from warm people."
And this is key, for two reasons:
1 - Can you imagine attempting to change the world, create beautiful art, bring a business to life, raise a child, or any other massive endeavor - without having the true, loving, kind, and at the same time empowering, clear, and fierce love of someone else?
My bet is... you can imagine.
I can too, because I've lived it.
Growing up in a very toxic family environment didn't bring me the nurture, the warmth, the love I needed to go through big endeavors with self-love, self-loyalty, and passion.
It caused me to go through things with physical pains, suffering, disassociation, and exhaustion that went deep into my core.
And most of us try, we reach up a little higher than we're used to, but we're quickly met by skepticism, judgment, or denial.
Sometimes it even sounds comforting, and yet somehow it doesn't move us forward to what we originally aspired to.
Which brings me to the second reason:
2 - We need nurture, not comfort.
Most people might bring us comfort, but they don't nurture our soul-life, our deepest desires, and our intrinsic needs.
They leave us feeling disconnected, discouraged, and depleted. And yet they often tell us "they mean well."
And perhaps they do. But they don't do well.
In the book, the author describes the difference between comfort and nurture like this:
"If you have a plant that is sick because you keep it in a dark closet, and you say soothing words to it, that is comfort. If you take the plant out of the closet and put it in the sun, give it something to drink, and then talk to it, that is nurture."
And nurture is what allows us to grow, heal, and evolve whatever the 'self' needs and deeply desires.
But it must be nurture, not comfort.
How Can You Grow, if You're Encouraged to Stay Stuck?
And looking back, I see how my first step towards reclaiming the parts of me that are true and whole wasn't 'starting with the self.'
That came second.
What came first was finding a new home in people who were warm. In people who were loving, cherishing, respectful. In people who were encouraging of my dreams, respectful of my needs, and loving without conditions or demands for how I should behave.
They were nurturing. Unlike anything I'd ever experienced before.
And the truth is, I don't know if I would've been able to seek out my dreams, let go of the things that were poisoning my soul, and embrace the parts of myself I had lost, forgotten, or abandoned - if I didn't have someone there to remind me I was worthy of doing so.
And another truth is, I don't know if many women will be able to do so either, unless they begin by leaving the people who bring them comfort and seek the people who will bring them nurture.
Otherwise, people tend to go after their dreams from a place of perceived control and independence (such as trying to or assuming they can avoid failure and surprises),
from a place of being terrified of vulnerability and failure (such as being incapable of saying "I'm sorry" and mean it),
and a place where no true and sustainable love, dreams, or connection can truly grow...
So my dear reader, I urge you: Walk away. Move towns. Change your workplace. Break up. Sign the papers.
Do whatever you must do to begin letting go of the people who don't encourage what's on your heart, deep down, so that you can create space for those who will, without expecting anything in return.
The Universe conspires in wonderful and magical ways, but she needs you to create the space so that she can bring you what you truly desire.
If you're needing guidance...
And if in the process, you feel like you need some guidance or encouragement - you can dive into my course journey called Honestly You, where a part of the journey is clarifying how your relationships - current and past - are impacting your ability to live with authenticity, alignment, freedom, and connection.
We also go deep into reconnecting you with your intuition and true self - because when you combine a nurturing environment (like a course journey) with real, powerful tools - you get to 'start with the self' while being in an environment that encourages your growth and wants to see you thrive.
I would be so honored to hold space for you and nurture you as you reclaim the parts of you that feel alive, whole, and trusting in your own resilience.
Whatever you do... avoid comfort and claim warmth and nurture.
You can do this. And you are worthy of this, exactly as you are.
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